I Understand Now

As my father grew older, he would talk from time to time about how he wasn’t meant to be a parent and wasn’t very good at it. He thought that I would do a much better job than he did.

Of course, I disagreed with his self-criticism, and was overwhelmed by his seemingly misguided faith in me as a relatively young parent.

Without my father, I likely wouldn’t be writing this column. Even though he wasn’t my biological father, he took me in when I was in grade school after my mother and he divorced. He gave me a powerful combination of love, discipline, structure and fear that quelled the rage in my heart and put me on a positive path.

It wasn’t always easy – he could be very hard. He didn’t have a dad in his life as a child, and with my grandmother working hard to support my uncle and him as a single parent, he had a lot of time to get into trouble. He was fortunate to survive his inner-city neighborhood and childhood.

Even as a child, as dysfunctional as my family was, I knew I had been given a special gift he had never received himself. And while there were times I wasn’t sure I would live to adulthood, I always respected the way he rose above his troubled beginnings and gave more than he got. He always took the harder path, both to his benefit and detriment, and it took a toll on him that ended up taking him away from us way too soon.

I carried some of the father’s intensity, intimidation and determination as a parent – for a while. But eventually, I realized I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t raise my sons that way. Times were different, and we all need to evolve. I know my father would agree. It wasn’t always a smooth transition, but thankfully, it did eventually happen.

Now that my oldest son is engaged and will likely be a father down the road, I find myself thinking about parenting, and the good and not-so-good things I’ve done in my attempts to follow my father’s example. There are many things I wished I had done better, but I’m grateful for the journey, the love I’ve given and received, and the perspective I’ve gained.

I’ve come to realize that you can’t protect your children from all of the pain and challenges that happen in life, but you can give them the support and life skills they need to get through it. You don’t have to give them everything to give them what they need, and we all learn from the mistakes that eventually occur. I want my boys to be better than me, and they are. That’s part of a parent’s job, and my father did it well.

This is the 12th Father’s Day I’ve had without my Dad, but he’s with me every day. I still thank him and miss him. I’m excited to continue watching my sons grow into adulthood, knowing I’ve helped teach them what to do and what not to do, not always in the ways that I intended or wanted.

I may be alone for the first time on Father’s Day as a parent, but that gift sustains me and gives me hope for the future.