How Long Do We Carry It?

When I heard the news, it instantly brought back a flood of childhood memories. But all of the sudden, things weren’t as simple as they had always been.

I was on the road when I got a text from back home with some very surprising news about Jim, a former friend and classmate. Jim (not his real name) had once been one of my best friends in grade school and junior high, and seemingly overnight he became my biggest adversary. He made my freshman year miserable. I was pushed to the limit, and he was responsible for most of it.

The things that happen when we’re young, good and bad, stay with us forever. For more years than I care to admit I would have wanted to punch Jim if I had seen him. I fantasized often about paying him back for what he did to me. It was more than 40 years ago and yet it still burns me when I talk about it.

It would have been easy to take Jim’s news and use it to say ugly things about him that would have fit into the lowest common denominator of behavior. After all, I owed him and he deserved it. We use our pain to justify actions we’d normally never consider.

The surprising thing for me was I actually had some empathy for Jim. I didn’t think that was possible for me to feel. His news explained some things to me about the past – maybe he liked to hurt people because he was hurting inside and never felt comfortable in his own skin. I acted out a lot as a child and young adult because of the pain I felt growing up.

Respond in kind – that was my philosophy as a young man. If you were good to me, I would return the favor. But if you weren’t kind to me, you better watch out. Eventually I realized that I was letting other people define who I was. Grudges are like bricks in a backpack; if you’re careful, the load eventually wears you down.

Thanks to a lot of work and some very good people in my life, I realized I was happier helping people and building relationships than tearing things down.

I haven’t seen Jim in more than 30 years, but I hope he has made some useful discoveries of his own. I’d like to think if I saw Jim tomorrow, I could be civil and wish him well. By letting go of that long-term grudge, I hope it gives me more room in my heart for far more useful and healthy actions.

I’m optimistic that I can continue to lighten that backpack.